Tuesday, 26 June 2018


I have good news. I cannot share that news here, but it is a turn-up for the books. That is all I can say, apart from that it has come unexpectedly. My mood has been lifted just like that, and it has been a long time since that has happened.
It is astounding how one good piece of news makes the whole world seem a more optimism-inspiring place. I afraid to hope.
The summer is now in full swing as they say. I am spending my days pottering about, doing small jobs, getting into the corners of life's tin of sardines. There is a heatwave and the middle of the day is too hot to do much. I am enjoying small things like folding the laundry. I am on top of the grass. The house itself is a mess, but will get there. Perhaps today. This is the best time of the year, with around two months of the holidays left. I cannot fathom how I spent all those years correcting. It was a false economy as I went back to work and had to compete with others who were fresh from a mini-sabbatical.
Something happens during the summer. The mind unravels, slowly and painfully at first, and then school really does recede and other, wilder things colonise the space available. It is so important this year that I actually do enough things to sustain me for the winter. At least until February, and then I could think about going somewhere or doing something during that break.
The nature of time changes. Everything goes more slowly but at the same time everything is more vivid. There seem to be enough hours in the day. I feel better now and my sickness is more or less gone. Although I feel tired. I do feel I don't have the requisite level of energy.
I am far behind. That is how I feel. I feel that were I three years younger now would be a good time. I have learned things that are good to have learned, but I have learned them too late. Too late for what? There is really only one thing that is almost certainly too late for. Even if it were technically possible for me to have a child, I fear at this stage that I totally beyond the stage of being able to physically cope.

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