Friday, 15 June 2018


Once again I did not succeed in staying off Twitter during the hour. I justified this to myself by saying I deserved a sneaky look after doing my abs routine. More than that: I needed to have a look as that reward was a significant re-inforcer of a desirable behaviour. That is "linking" gone wrong, and also the halo effect.
How well is Winning the Summer going so far? It's been hampered a lot by my being sick. When did the sickness start? There must have been some germ somewhere. I think it could have been the day I went to Dublin. Why was I up there again? I went up to a conference, that was the last time I was there. But it mightn't have been that day. It could have been any day. A supermarket trolley. Coins. A hardback copy. A door handle. These things are impossible to avoid. But I did go to the doctor too late. These things are important: it is better to go too often than not often enough. I ended up spending a fortune anyway, that could have been avoided with an initial outlay of fifty euro. I feel I haven't been on top of my game. The sift to holiday mode is also a major one to make. It's moving from a position of vulnerability, where I am surrounded by threats, to one of openness to experience and opportunity.
I have been thinking that I really need to leave my job. I was walking back from the shop yesterday with a loaf of bread, thinking that maybe I will take a career break next year. I'll be officially old then. I should have done it before now. I expended myself. And I say way too much to my parents about work. It would be better if they did not know anything of how things are. Then I could better make up my own mind.
It is killing me. It has killed me.The atmosphere is so toxic. I am so completely unvalued. Not only am I unvalued, but I am seen a liability. I am thwarted. I could be doing lots of other things. How things happen. I don't think I really want to be a teacher any more. Not in the system that is there. I didn't apply for the NCCA MFL job. I could have done that. I didn't apply for the JCT English/MFL teams either. These would all have been ways out. But I couldn't work for the JCT and go around telling people lies. What doth it profiteth a man?
Is Roy Foster right about Gove? I think he was harsh. I think Gove at least sees the value of historical knowledge. Bruton is far, far worse. I must watch him on TV3. There was a spot last night about the teaching of history in schools. He is not for turning. What else will I do? What else can I do? It is better to have something lined up. The obvious thing is writing. I must tunnel out by writing my way out under the walls. Looking at TV3 there; it's very poor player.
Nervous about my travel later on today. This will be good for me though. It'll teach me something. Okay, I give up now on TV3.

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