Wednesday, 13 June 2018


I am cheating on my Miracle Morning (I saw the book in Waterstones yesterday but didn't buy it) by not staying off the internet until I have completed all the steps. Must work on that tomorrow. I was checking all my Twitter notifications.
I have loads and loads of them -  more than I've ever had - because I weighed in on the Myslexia/Lionel Shriver story. I'm not even 100% confident what I said was completely true, but I've been called a "white supremicist" and "abhorrent". There really is a mob out there. I queried her being fired as a judge because of what she wrote in an article. The article itself was a bit childish but she made some valid points. Like wanting an editor to have a degree. Like the nonsense of ticking boxes to signify your ethnicity, like the whole world can thus be classified. The weakness in her argument was she was attacking an email rather than a public announcement. I think I should delete the thread if I want a book deal with Penguin Random House. Who publishes her? Will check. It's a company called "The Borough Press". Have never heard of them, they're part of HarperCollins, not PRH.
I feel attacked because of what I wrote. So many people jumped on me. I feel the decision to fire her as a judge was wrong. I think she is wrong in some of her views. I can think these two things both at the same time.
It does look increasingly as though there are two tribes atop opposing hills. One is shouting "Oppression!" and the other "Free speech!", yet there is no appetite for dialogue from either side. It's like the referendum. The other side are not just wrong, they are duplicitous and bad people. This is where we live today.

Was on the phone last night to a young teacher seeking employment. He said "what's for you won't pass you" and I disagreed. Am I right? It feels like what was for me did pass me. I think it's not enough to say that. You need to reach out and take things.
I didn't enjoy my youth. I never went out there and enjoyed things, and now I regret not having and seeking more fun for myself. Not just "fun", but the enjoyment of work and of purpose. I felt like a bad person. What was I doing all those years except punishing myself? How these things have their roots very early. I don't know. It's like a puzzle. It's like looking back and trying to see where did I start becoming so afraid. I think as well of all the people who were supposed to be "helping" me and how they couldn't give a fuck. But then they themselves lived limited enough lives and could not conceive of the things I wanted. I wanted so much. I was so hungry for things. The German teacher told my mother that my problem was that I lacked ambition. But nothing could have been further from the truth. I had huge dreams for myself, but they were unspeakable. They were just dreams.

I missed out on my first choice on the CAO by ten points and got my second on the third round but didn't take it. Had I scored even a couple of percentage points more on a single exam, I would not have ended up at the university I ended up in. Not that there was anything wrong with that university, just that my other choice would have forced the matter. Life would have been completely different. It's these small things. Working hard in school is so important. It's not that I did no work though. It was more that I knew nothing about study. Nothing. Nothing.Nothing.

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