Tuesday, 19 June 2018


"Love is a shadow,
how you lie and cry after it.

Look, it has gone off with its hoofs
Like a horse...."

Am back from France and EXHAUSTED. It was nice to be in France. I think I would like to invest in some kind of small laptop to carry around with me so I could do some typing in foreign countries. Not this one, it's too cumbersome and heavy. Really what I want is a MacBook, but there was also a very nice light HP in the FNAC as well when I was there. The MacBook Airs were on sale. They're a bit bigger, but still portable. I say I can't afford such an item, but it would be an investment. I remember when I bought the car I spent a thousand euro more than the same model and year in another dealership, because the cheaper one had a few scratches on it. Fool me. I thought my father would disapprove of my scratched car. Scratches mean nothing and the thousand would have gone a long way. Or all the bloody money I paid SIMS!! What I couldn't have done with that money. That was something I decided though, when I decided not to go through with IVF. I decided to take that money and invest it in my actual life, instead of trying to pretend.

There were a couple of things that happened that made me go through with trying to have a baby on my own. One was my colleague telling us, on a night out, about a friend of hers who'd done it. I think this made me less fearful of the judgement of people in work. I think this was actually the main push in the end. I know it's partly confirmation bias that I'm now against it, now that it didn't work for me. I don't blame those women who do it. I understand why they do it. But I think it's an awful indictment of society that so many men are turning their backs on marriage and parenthood. Are they though? Are women just too picky? I was picky early on and then not picky enough. In a good place now but there is nothing left to pick from. I think ideally that children need a father. Ideally. I'm not sure about how I feel about SMBC. Then maybe the whole set-up we have is wrong. I can no longer imagine bringing a baby back here and being able to mind it on my own.

If it had worked I'd have had the baby in April, just as the building work was starting next door. The hell that would have been with a screaming newborn and not being able to ever take a nap with the drilling and the angle-grinding and the kangoing and the hammering all day most days. I could write a story about some-one in that situation.
I left the New Yorker article about Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie in the hotel in France. Am sorry now because it would be a good article to share with the girls. I say that because if I had read an article like that, where the writer spoke about her daughter and how she is still writing, I think that would have been a helpful role model for me.

I am still very tired, but thankfully the only thing I have to do today is go in to the dry-cleaners to pick up the LKBennett dress I bought in the charity shop. I am getting fat because of travelling (always end up eating more) and not having been to the gym in a good month(sickness, then being away). I am dreading going back, but have booked myself into Spin and Abs next Monday morning. It was that or 20:20:20 on Sunday, which'd be harder. It might be better for me though, and I can always leave early. We will see.

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