WTS Day XXXII

A very uneventful day today. I am turning into a hermit; there is a word, I have heard, for the opposite of hibernation. It is estivation. That is more or less what I am doing. I had agreed to mind my neighbour's dog so picked her up yesterday evening and this morning we went for a walk down by Blackrock Castle. We were there at half-seven and that is the time to be there. At times I could see no other human, but it was not so deserted as to feel unsafe. The tide was mostly in and the sun was out. It was lovely and I felt very privileged to live so close to the sea and to such an amenity. The sound of the cars heading towards the tunnel added rather than detracted from my enjoyment, as it brought the fact of my being on holidays into focus. 

I brought the dog with me to Mahon Point market, parking in the covered car-park. I always park there anyway: it wasn't just because I had the dog with me. Plastic-free July continues apace. I brought the plastic bag my strawberries came in last week and reused it. The punnet was the only new plastic I acquired: all my veg came loose or in brown paper. I bought pesto in jars and a take-away salad in a compostable container. Like I said before, it's easy to go plastic free in the summer when I can go to the market. This is excuse-making as there are other markets I could frequent that operate on Saturdays. 

The dog's owner collected her at lunch-time, and all I've done since is get my eyebrows threaded and buy Parmesan (wrapped in waxed paper) and a cotton shirt for work (12.95, bargain). Then I had to make a work-related phone-call (less than fifteen minutes). It wasn't for my main job, but for a tangential unpaid hustle. That hustle has been worth every minute of unpaid time I have spent on it. This is advice I would give to anyone: you have to give to get. Not so much as to make yourself an eejit, but you have to invest more than you would think for even modest returns. 

That was my day. It was fine, but I have nothing lined up to do at the weekend. That is worrying and I must investigate what is on and what I could go to. I went to the cinema on Monday on my own. Going to the cinema was on the "43 before 43 list" that I wrote at the New Year and I only got to it this week. But I got to it. I'm getting to lots of other things as well. Because this is how the summer works. It is not like a fortnight's holiday or a really long weekend. Things go very slack, and that is when possibilities emerge. 

WTS XXXI

So I opened a Twitter account yesterday and tweeted a link to this blog, but I have since deleted the tweet. I still have the account and may use it as an alternative account to my main one. I deleted the tweet because even though I wanted views on the blog, it's a case of being careful what you wish for. Quite a few of the views were from Ireland, and I did not like the thought that some of those people were people who know me IRL and there's me going on about my photophobia, my period knickers and my feelings about my family situation. 

Why put these things on the internet anyway? Ironically partly because I had read an article on Swedish Death Cleaning and I didn't like the idea of dying suddenly and having whoever cleans out my house reading through the paper diaries I have kept since the age of nine. I can't bring myself to destroy the old ones, but at least this is a way of reducing the amount of new ones. This may seem at odds with my announcement a few days ago that I would discuss the big development in my paper diary rather than on-line. But it's not the thought of some-one discovering my musings on the big events of life that bother me: it's the embarrassment of them reading my compulsive recording of trivia and my cringe-inducing enslavement to the self-improvement industry. 

Looking at previous entries yesterday in the knowledge that other people were seeing them (a good few got themselves reverted to drafts) resulted in self-accusations of narcissism. I suppose narcissism has two elements: one is inflated self-regard, and the second is obsession with the self as opposed to more healthy engagement with the outside world. The two go together in some respects. There is definite evidence of the second, but what about the first? I think it's there to some degree. It's the belief in the possibility of Great Things, that I would be living a fabulous life were it not for the fuck-ups of myself and others. That I am only living this particular life as a result of a series of unfortunate events. And from that comes a sadness and an anger and lots of resentment. 

There is a contradiction in feeling a failure at being extraordinary and simultaneously a failure at being ordinary. Why couldn't I manage the simplest, most normal thing of all for a woman and have a child? Why has no-one ever wanted to marry me and for us to have a family together? Why am I so ridiculously sensitive? 

There are no self-help books on how to recover from narcissism, which is pity because it's probably the one trait that most negatively affects the consumers of self-help advice. The phrase "self-help" itself carries connotations of narcissism. A quick search on Amazon reveals lots of material on dealing with the narcissist in your life (a case of the mote and the beam?) but not a single one on how to become less narcissistic. Maybe such a book would be an oxymoron. Or maybe I've just discovered a gap in the market.......

WTS Day XXX

Win the Summer is 30 days old today and to celebrate, we are opening a Twitter account and attempting to get some views.
I realise now that I should have started a whole new blog for Win the Summer. I didn't think I'd really write every day. Well, I didn't. If you're reading this and you recognise me, can you please inform me? I have been writing this blog in the supposition of anonymity, as there is little point otherwise. I am careful, but only up to a point.
What is Win the Summer?
Win the Summer is a personal project. I am a teacher who is off work for the holidays and realises that she did not make the most of previous summers. I am determined that this summer will be different. The main difference is that I am going about things intentionally, rather than drifting. Another difference is that I am following, as best I can, Hal Elrod's "Miracle Morning" routine. Had I picked up this book in my local Waterstone's (it's there), I would have dismissed it as just another self-help book that promised the world but is hard to stick to and ephemeral in its benefits. However, I downloaded it onto my Kindle Fire having heard it recommended on Twitter by people I hold to be sensible. The book itself is quite skimmable and there's a good summary of it here by Philosophers Notes. (Brian Johnson does good summaries and his blackboard presentations are much easier to take in than the usual animated book summaries that proliferate on YouTube).
So far, I can recommend it, as it works very well for some-one who is temporarily without much structure and who doesn't have to be in a particular place in the mornings. Would I recommend sacrificing sleep and getting up at half-five to do it? Totally not. I plan, when I go back to work, to get up a little earlier and incorporate elements like five-minutes meditation in my morning, but that's about it. Not that I am planning too much for work at this point. The summer is still young.
That is, relatively young. There are around seven weeks left of my mini-sabbatical. A mini-sabbatical is how I see it. For ten years I did not take this break, but instead earned extra income by correcting exams. What a mistake that was, but I can't go back now and change things.
Along with the Miracle Morning (can I stop capitalising that?), I have a couple of other projects on the go. Right now, I am attempting Less Plastic July. I have also started a #26habits ....what? "Practice" sounds absurd, but maybe that's the closest. This is inspired by Emma Gunavardhana's excellent podcast on the-pool.  I am still on the first one...Staying out of TKMaxx, and am due to start another one next Monday.
The other main thing, in fact the main thing, is that I am taking time this summer To Do Some Serious Writing. I know I am building this up to be too big a thing. How is this going? On the one hand I am writing every day. On the other, this is on various desultory, embryonic scraps of wittering rather than anything substantial or even fictional. And I am not spending enough time on it. Still, I must not let the perfect be the enemy of the good. I am doing a bit. There is progress. Still, progress doesn't get you there, just on to the next section of road that's indistinguishable from the other. To put this in perspective, I style myself as a fiction writer, but my current output averages out at one short story a year. In seven years' time ( I currently have three I consider presentable) I'll have enough for an anthology.
I feel there is more I could be doing. This feeling is in itself a sign of progress. How have I lost other summers? Through half-heartedness and not pushing through. Through not taking up opportunities, through going to events but not speaking to people and going home early, through failing to prioritise, through attempting to live some-one else's life and doing things merely because they were expected of me.
This year is different. Even so far, it is different.

WTS Day XXIX

Have fallen off all the bandwagons I am on. I went to TKMaxx yesterday and bought a product there. I had nothing on all day and was having an at-home day, tidying my house while listening to this podcast of Emma Guns interviewing Gretchen Rubin, reading "The War that Ended Peace" by Margaret Macmillan, doing yet another load of washing, cooking super-healthy baba ganoush for lunch. No sooner was the aubergine gone into the oven to roast did I remember that I had eaten the second half of the cashew nut butter that was in the press. I went to Marks and Spencers to buy more. My local M&S is a shopping centre where there is a small TKMaxx. I felt conflicted: 

A. I made a decision to stay out of there for at least two weeks. I've done a whole week. It's a matter of honour and self-discipline. I'll feel better if stick to my guns. On a superstitious level, life has been good to me lately and maybe there's a link to my embracing various forms of routine and resolutions. 

B. No-one would know and no objective harm would be done. It was only the little TKMaxx, not the main one. I was having a very unexciting day and five minutes wouldn't hurt. 

Reader, I caved. I almost bought a new workout top and then I actually did buy a Bliss Foot Patrol, even though I have two unopened ones here at home. For ages and ages they had none of these so I snapped two up the last time they had them, even though I have yet to finish the first one I bought. It's a really lovely, acidic, minty foot-cream that is heavenly used straight from the fridge on a hot day and the discount on Bliss is always decent. It was 8.99, not the end of the world, but it was ultimately close to a tenner on something I don't need. Plus, I had picked at the forming scab that was healing my shopping habit. 

That morning I had thought about going into town to write in the café that's under the TKMaxx in town, but I didn't go in, partly because I felt if I went in I'd end up dragging around the shops and frittering away money. This isn't just about the money. It's the time. It's the meaninglessness of it. So I didn't go. This was the right decision. There's being a flaneuse, and then there's being a sad creature who mopes around the shops without purpose or direction. 

The other bandwagon I fell off was the one I climbed on only yesterday. Having left a notebook and a biro next to my bed, I woke up and as per usual went straight to Twitter and continued the very debate that had delayed my going to sleep last night. I did remember and wrote a little, but by then it was too late. I think I'll stick a post-it on my phone tonight, or put Freedom on for longer. 

That's it. Will just have to pick myself up and keep going. Disgusted at my lapse yesterday and more committed than ever now to abstinence. 

WTS Day XXVIII

Slept in a bit late this morning. Tomorrow will start on the Dorothea Brande schedule, such as it is. Today is the first day of July, so therefor the first day of Plastic-Free July. I won't be going Plastic Free, but am going to take the following actions:

-use my Thinx and purchase more of them.

-I already use bar soap rather than liquid hand soap, but will extend this to showering as well. I thought about switching to solid shampoo but this is hard water area. That is my excuse anyway. Although I suppose an experiment would do no harm. 

-I already use real butter rather than the gunk in the plastic tubs. This is a good example of how eco-switches almost always result in a better-quality experience. 

-cooking my own food and eschewing ready-meals in plastic containers.

-buying cheese in Iago's, where they wrap it in waxed paper. 

-bringing bags to the market to buy vegetables. Seeing if I can find a string bag. 

-eating more things like eggs, that are minimally packaged.

-not buying soft drinks multi-packs that are covered in plastic. This will incur a cost as it is cheaper to buy the multi-packs with the plastic. At least Diet Coke can now be bought in 24-pack cardboard boxes. 

-switching to powder for biological detergent.

-at some point during the month refilling my non-biological detergent bottles. I really need to do this only once a year and think I still have plenty of last year's to go. 

-giving up single-use small water bottles. I know giving up bottled water is the low-hanging fruit of using less plastic, but I got a letter from Irish Water telling me there is lead in the tap water. Things I can do include buying bigger bottles of water and using the filter in the gym. Of course, I could buy a filter. Or not take any notice of Irish Water and their scare-mongering. 

-stop buying synthetic clothes. 

-go to the Quay Co-op and see if there's anything there that could help.

-switch to non-plastic cotton buds. I don't use a whole load of these anyway, but sometimes nothing else will do to fix wonky eye-make-up. 

-bringing reusable containers to the fish counter. 

None of this is too hard during the summer,  when I have time to shop in the market and the inclination to cook. I have no excuses really during the winter either. Of course, not having a baby represents the greatest plastic-saving of all. Other people are using my quota of course. And it wouldn't stop me. It'd be better to have a baby and donate to organisations tackling over-population. I do think over-population is a thing. I think people who decide not to have children for this reason are being responsible, on the condition that it's a unanimous decision between a couple. I doubt it is. I mean, I think it's unreasonable to expect your partner of whichever sex to deny themselves offspring and parenthood for no other reason than altruistic environmentalism. 

All really posh people are environmentally-friendly because there are rewards from that way of living. What about flying? I have to laugh at the zero-wasters on Youtube who are flying here and there and packing their bamboo toothbrushes in their carry-on. LOL. 

WTS Day XXVII

I hope I'm still doing the Roman numerals correctly. Last night I made a list of my top nine self-help books. I had intended to go for ten but couldn't think of a tenth. I'd say I will, and then post I was surprised that's as far as I could go. I think it was partly because I allowed only one book per author. 

My copy of Dorothea Brande's "Becoming a Writer" came yesterday. Tomorrow I will start the writing as soon as I wake up. I did do one exercise and was very pleased with what came out of it. I think I will do it again. 

So far, her programme involves two parts:

1. Writing on waking. This conflicts with "The Miracle Morning". I see however, that there a "Miracle Morning for Writers" book, that I could consult. On the other hand, if I stick to writing in a bedside notebook, then there is no reason why I couldn't slot this in before Silence. 

2. Writing by appointment. As well as first thing in the morning, Brande recommends a definite time to write. I have been sticking to my twenty-minute a day minmum, but suspect this would also be a good idea. When though? The morning is the obvious time. We will say 9 am, from Monday, and start with 20 minutes, increasing every week by five minutes. This will allow for finishing the miracle morning. 

Shouldn't I prioritise writing over the miracle morning? I mean I could be doing real writing right now instead of this this typing. I don't know. I think of this as a kind of mental house-keeping. Perhaps the five-minute journal would suffice. I have started in a different notebook as my yellow still has not arrived from the hotel and I suspect it won't at this stage. 

This weekend is tough as there is nothing on. There was a lot I could have done last weekend but I was away at the Christening, or recovering on the Sunday. This is how things happen. You pick yourself up and you move on. I could have signed up to a Meetup or something. There is always something, and if there isn't you can arrange something or just go off into the country somewhere. 

I am going to go into town once this is written. I have a couple of things to pick up. Just a couple, mind you. Staying our of You Know Where. There is very little I need food-wise (onions, bread). There is a hair-care product I want to buy in Boots (Bumble and Bumble stuff that means you don't have to blow-dry your hair, will buy the travel size to experiment).

I am thinking about going back to ordering books. There is a book I want and it is much cheaper on the bookdepository. If I didn't know the book depository are owned by Amazon then I would have bought it there already. It is more expensive to order books in a bookshop, and compared to Amazon they take longer to come. They're more predictable than bookdepository though. 

My scruples were there already but have been strengthened by reading this review from Quillette. It'd be wrong altogether to order "The War on Normal People" online wouldn't it? It echoes what I've thought for a while: our obsession with e-commerce and automation is a form of economic cannibalism. I already rarely use the self-service checkouts in the supermarket and deplore their introduction to our libraries. I say "rarely" but I do use them. 

WTS Day XXVI

One aspect of WTS I am struggling with is avoiding the sun. I came back from holidays determined to really avoid it this week, yet every day I have been out in it. Monday I went shopping, Tuesday I can't remember but there was something, Wednesday I walked over to some-one's house for lunch, yesterday I went out in the garden with my nephew. This is all less exposure than if I didn't think about it, but is still probably more than the average office-worker gets. I must become more disciplined where this is concerned. UV rays are at an all-time, crazy high. It was 29 degrees yesterday and set to go over 30 today. I feel guilty now about my four flights, with two more coming up in September. I know lots of people don't worry about flights, thinking the key to tackling global warming lies with governments. That is true, but in the age of Trump, we must all do what we can do. 

My own life is not eco-friendly in the slightest. I live alone, in a house I could have done more to insulate. I don't have solar panels, even though I love the idea of them.It is true that I retro-fitted an old house rather than building a new one. That is something. And it is much more energy-efficient than when I bought it. If back again I would insulate under the floor-boards and put in triple-glazed windows. I drive to work, in a B rated, diesel car. I am also guilty that I could have car-pooled twice as much as I did last year, but never got around to changing my supervision. It is quite probable that car-pooling will be out of the question next year and it definitely will the year after. But who knows after that. I could take the bus into town a lot more. Not that my driving into town is a huge source of CO2: it's only around a mile and a half. Maybe two miles. 

On the other hand I'm mostly vegetarian. I don't take a whole load of flights. I buy bar soap and butter not in tubs. I am delighted with Thinx: they are practical and have led to a real reduction in the amount of sanpro I am discarding. That is one small win. 

How is the Miracle Morning going? 

Silence: very well, doing this every morning, even when away.

Affirmations: was going well. My notebook still hasn't arrived and I think I'm going to have to start a new one. 

Visualisation: not doing this one. 

Exercise: a bit sporadic. Back in the gym again two days a week and most of the others doing a quick abs routine. Doing these in the morning does help, and sometimes I get into the shower amazed at how many things I've ticked off so early in the day. This actually saves on the willpower needed, while simultaneously fostering good habits and discipline. 

Reading: like silence, this is going really well. Every morning at home I set the alarm and read fiction for ten minutes. I don't bother with this while away because I'm good to read on trains and planes anyway. 

Scribing: This is what I have chosen to do for scribing. I am doing it every morning that I'm at home. When away I keep my paper diary. I wrote in the paper diary yesterday as well because I was afraid to discuss the big development here.

It is all a bit nuts, but it is helping. Helping what is the question. This sounds very self-helpy, but it's helping me live more intentionally and focus my attention. This in turn is making me less emotionally labile and better able to detach a bit from what certain other people think about me. 

WTS Day XXV

Momentous developments have been happening in one particular area of my life. Even though no-one reads this blog, I still feel reluctant to discuss these developments here. All I will say, is that while they have made me happy, there is something in their nature that is causing me to reflect. 

That element is that the thing that is making me happy is the forthcoming absence of something that has caused me a great deal of unhappiness, upset and frustration. It will be gone and whole new vistas are opening up. Yet these vistas are empty. My point is that this happiness comes from a negative source. I thought last night how would it feel to have happiness coming from a positive source - especially from a relationship. I have never felt happy in any relationship I've been in. There have been moments of hope, yet there has always been disappointment very early on. 

The good news has made me stronger. It has not happened because I did anything or worked hard. It just happened, fortuitously. The challenge now is to act on this good fortune, and to think of what the possibilities might be. Or to just relax a bit. This is the first time in a long time, I think ever, that I have been able to really enjoy the summer. 

In other news I am doing well on the first of my 26 habits. No possibility of entering TKMaxx has arisen. It's not the weather for going into town. I haven't even been to the shopping centre near me where there is a small TKMaxx. This morning I am going to the outdoor market in Mahon Point. This is a summer treat. The next challenge coming is Plastic Free July, which starts on Sunday. The market is good there and I will see today how little plastic I can get away with buying. I will also go to the Tesco while I am there, as the normal Tesco I go to is near TKMaxx. Not that I do a whole lot of shopping in Tesco and I always try to spend my Dunnes vouchers when I'm there so it is they who bear the cost. 

WTS Day XXIV

I have good news. I cannot share that news here, but it is a turn-up for the books. That is all I can say, apart from that it has come unexpectedly. My mood has been lifted just like that, and it has been a long time since that has happened.
It is astounding how one good piece of news makes the whole world seem a more optimism-inspiring place. I afraid to hope.
The summer is now in full swing as they say. I am spending my days pottering about, doing small jobs, getting into the corners of life's tin of sardines. There is a heatwave and the middle of the day is too hot to do much. I am enjoying small things like folding the laundry. I am on top of the grass. The house itself is a mess, but will get there. Perhaps today. This is the best time of the year, with around two months of the holidays left. I cannot fathom how I spent all those years correcting. It was a false economy as I went back to work and had to compete with others who were fresh from a mini-sabbatical.
Something happens during the summer. The mind unravels, slowly and painfully at first, and then school really does recede and other, wilder things colonise the space available. It is so important this year that I actually do enough things to sustain me for the winter. At least until February, and then I could think about going somewhere or doing something during that break.
The nature of time changes. Everything goes more slowly but at the same time everything is more vivid. There seem to be enough hours in the day. I feel better now and my sickness is more or less gone. Although I feel tired. I do feel I don't have the requisite level of energy.
I am far behind. That is how I feel. I feel that were I three years younger now would be a good time. I have learned things that are good to have learned, but I have learned them too late. Too late for what? There is really only one thing that is almost certainly too late for. Even if it were technically possible for me to have a child, I fear at this stage that I totally beyond the stage of being able to physically cope.

WTS Day XXIII

Will have to become more disciplined with this. It's twenty-five to eleven already and I have been up since half-seven. That is more than three hours to meditate, walk up to the shop, have breakfast, read ten minutes' worth of Joseph O'Neill's "Neverland", call the person I'm not supposed to be calling (call lasted ten minutes which is much shorter than normal) and turn on the computer. All that except the phone call could have been done in under an hour. I still have not exercised yet. That is supposed to slot in before reading time, but I have been excusing myself on the grounds of stiffness and saying I'll fit it in later but of course that doesn't happen. 

It is good to get up early these mornings as once the heat sets in it's impossible to get anything done. I have ordered Dorothea Brande's book from amazon, even though giving up amazon/bookdepository is supposed to be one of my goals. I am determined to do some actual writing today. Yesterday all I did was enter the Moth Prize, and send a story to The Stinging Fly. That's important too though. I end up entering the same competitions every year and missing the same competitions every year because the deadlines pass me by during the year. This is purely a case of failure to prioritise. 

My latest discovery is the Emma Guns Podcast. In particular her series on 26Habits. She has a lovely speaking voice and covers topics I am interested in. I have decided to start my own 26Habits series, to run concurrently with WTS (which is soon to run concurrently with Plastic-Free July). My first habit challenge is going to be staying out of all TKMaxx shops for two solid weeks. I am a TKMaxx whore and spend far too much time and money in there. Yes, it is often very good value and I have bought good things there like my winter coat that I wear all the time, but I have developed a checking habit. It is the vestiges of my evolutionary hunter-gatherer past. Here was a good shrub for berries. It's not 100% reliable but that only adds to the urge to check, unpredictable reward schedules being the key to reinforcing behaviour and all that. My most frequent purchases from there are beauty products, and I do not need Another Cleanser or Lovely Shower-gel. I say this partly because there was excellent value in the Heathrow Duty-Free and I held back thinking of all my stash I still have to get through and the bulk of the beauty fatberg is product purchased in TKMaxx. 

I have only one more big event to go in my Win the Summer schedule and that is a three-day writing course. The week before I have been invited to join my brother and his wife at her parents' holiday home. I am tempted but the last thing I want is to be spending hours on the beach or going on enforced marches (sorry, walks) on long, low-hedged country roads. If I could go and just hole up in my room. One way it would be good is that I could bring the laptop but there is, AFAIK, no wifi down there. Will see. 

WTS Day XXII

Already on to Day 22 of WTS. I think I'll do it for the whole summer and then possibly afterwards but will give up blogging about it at the end of August. The builders are back at the neighbours' house. It's the other side of my semi-detached, so when they drill (which they've been doing a lot this morning) I hear the noise and feel the vibration. This is even though I am in the one room of my house that does not share the party-wall, and I have my prescription ear-plugs in.
If I had to make a list of five life-changing products, what would they be?
1. Prescription ear-plugs
2. Blackout blind
3. Neostrata spf 50
4. Moleskine diary.
5 Disposable contact lenses.
There was a fight there for the fifth spot. It was nearly taken by Thinx underwear, which I am trying right this moment. I do actually love them, but they're more of a sustainability win than genuinely life-changing. I think I will purchase more of them. I started with two pairs, just to see, and they are eye-wateringly expensive, including having to pay the tax to the postman. I could have put the iPhone in there but that's after changing everyone's life, even if you own a different brand. And there are times when I'm not sure it has changed my life for the better. The disposable lenses are an eco-crime that I have trouble justifying. I manage though.
I'm in good form because I am just back from Spin and Abs, having not been at the gym since April. That was between going away and being sick and going away while sick. I chose spinning as my first class back because it's easy to differentiate for oneself. I kept well-back on the gears and was nowhere as fast as most of the other women, but I still felt like I had done proper exercise. Maybe I needed the break; it was feeling like a real chore to go there for a while. In other good news, the hotel found my notebook and are posting it down to me. I got the feeling they thought I was cheeky asking for such a scrap of nonsense to be sent in the post, but the alternative was to ask my brother/his wife to collect it. I paid the hotel enough money for them to put it in an envelope and stick a stamp on it. Am looking forward to getting it back, and it is good of them. They could easily - on seeing what it is - binned it and told me they hadn't been able to find it.
It's twelve o'clock. This is the real holidays now; hot weather, nothing to do. Well, I'm supposed to have writing to do. And I have a couple of things to get in town so might go in later. I am enjoying being able to stay inside out of the sun, in a perverse way. This room I am in is nice and cool, as it's west-facing and the sun has yet to come around this side. It will soon though, in around an hour or so. I feel the luxury now of having almost nothing to do and nowhere to go. There were a number of events that I wanted to go at the weekend that I missed; Cork Sceptics talk on Friday (in hotel), Crosstown Drift on Saturday (at Christening) and Fiction at the Friary yesterday(in bed with exhaustion). That's what happens. These things happen. Life happens and it is better to be out living it than filling up the time with going to things. The week stretches ahead of me. Now is when it will tell. Now is when I do work or do no work.