Saturday, 12 May 2018

It's Here

It's my birthday, so I feel I should write some deep and meaningful post. I'm almost at the end of my early forties.
How on earth did I get to this state? I can see now that I sat out my entire twenties and that was not a good idea. I woke up in my late twenties but found life very, very hard. I think now this was much less because of anything intrinsically wrong with me than it was just plain inexperience. Working in a real job, sex, sharing a house. I had not a lot of practice and it showed. I looked one way on the outside but was like a seventeen year old inside.
I keep thinking "what's wrong". Maybe there's nothing wrong. Maybe it was B12 deficiency all along.
What mistakes did I make? The bigggest one was going for IUI treatment to try to get pregnant, the timing of this and not having a plan B. I'm setting out on my Plan B now(doing a masters) but it's late. But I'm always thinking that! I'm always thinking "This year's now is next year's then". If I've learned nothing more in life that's it.
So, my resolution is to look forward rather than back. I know there's all this living in the present, but I live so much in the past, I feel I'll never get to the present without really, really hauling myself forward.

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