Today I am really, really tired and one of the reasons I am writing this is that it's the only thing I feel I have enough energy to do. I had a party of sorts here in the house yesterday. Not really a party as a family gathering. There were fifteen adults, five small children and a baby. There was a lot of food preparation and then talking to people, even though the other guests of my generation did most of the cleaning up. Tired today but the house is in good shape and I have plenty of leftovers to tide me through the weekend.
Practising the tools has been challenging. One aspect of this is there are so many of them and by the time I have figured out which one I'm supposed to be using, the moment has passed. So maybe I should cut down on the amount that I'm doing, to maybe one or two, and master those before trying new ones. However, once I have read the books and know of their existence it is hard to ignore the whole pack of them.
The reversal of desire has worked really well and it's probably the most central tool. I was nervous about the party, especially as one of the invited guests queried my ability to pull it off and provide enough food. The tool allowed me to see the feelings I had about this expression of a lack of confidence in me and my ensuing lack of confidence in myself as the painful part of the situation. Also the sheer practicality of the organising, which was far more than my base-rate of keeping myself alive and remembering to lock the front door, was daunting in itself. Then there was the feeling that lots of people engage in this kind of entertaining regularly so my feelings could be seen as inadequacy and immaturity. All this was painful, but I decided to run towards the pain and in the end it all went well. The guest I mentioned was especially fulsome in their praise, but I was strangely more satisfied than delighted. You can't revel in some-one's approval and then expect to be able to turn off the pain of the same person's disapproval like it were a tap.
I tried using the vortex to give myself energy to go to my gym class this morning, but couldn't really feel it working. Maybe it needs practice. I went anyway, relying on habit(it's a routine) and memories of previous times that I have gone not feeling up to it, but was still glad I went. Also, this is strange, I remembered times when I had scheduling conflicts (I didn't today, the other option was watching style and beauty Youtube videos in my pyjamas) and chose to forego various options in favour of going to my scheduled class. Skipping today, when I had no excuse besides lethargy, would have made those sacrifices seem like a waste of time.