I really have fallen off the wagon to some extent. Tomorrow will haul myself back on. I'm currently a bit frazzled, as I drove over an hour this morning to attend a writing workshop and then returned at lunch-time via the same route. I'm going again tomorrow morning but staying there tomorrow night so won't have to drive back until Wednesday. It wasn't a terribly long drive but the road was very twisty and turny with almost no opportunity to pass out other cars.
I am not sure if I made the right choice in my workshop. It is mostly women and I am the youngest woman there. One of two of the men seem to be a similar age to me. This is ageist of me I know. I had high hopes of this workshop, but it was uncomfortably sunny in the room (you know me and my pre-occupations). We did some writing exercises, which I found easy, but I was writing things I know I could never show to anyone.
I picked this course as I am growing despondent about my fiction writing. I thought I would try this, that being "a writer" didn't have to mean "a novelist" or even "a short story writer". Now I feel that this is what really interests me and I would much prefer to be in a workshop that was stretching me in creative ways and giving me new ideas for stories. The woman giving the short story workshop has published a lot. But maybe doing the course I'm doing is teaching me one thing: maybe it's teaching me that actually I want to be a fiction writer. That this year I got it wrong, but I will know in future.
I have to write an essay for Friday and the tutor says that bringing something pre-prepared is cheating. I don't know what to write on though: I think I will try to edit my essay down to 1,000 words. This would be a quarter of its current length. So there is a lot of work to be done there straight away.
I don't know what else I could work on. The two bits I came up with today were on these themes:
1. Research. How I love research and researched how to care for a kitten and then how to care for a puppy, everything about sex, anorexia, BPD and then the research about pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding, even though I never did those things. I couldn't write and share this essay. Well, I could write it, but not share it.
2. My feelings about my boss's resignation. I liked the short piece I wrote on this, with references to Sylvia Plath's "Daddy" and "Stranger Things", but I'd be foolish to share this one. Even more foolish than the other one. Besides half the point of this week is to take my mind off work.
It's a quarter past three now and the evening lies ahead of me. I am going out later and will get the bus so I can have wine. Then I will get up early and leave. I must pack now so as to have my suitcase by the door when I wake up.