Now thinking about my decision to go away and come home and go away again and it seems silly. I was even watching something and it occurred to me that it was something I could do. Something bigger. I have decided I need to do things bigger.
I looked at Twitter before doing the morning writing this morning and then was asking myself, why do I think I can break the rules and still have the outcomes? Is it because I secretly don't want the outcomes? A lot of my life I either haven't known what the rules were, or even that there were rules. There are rules for everything. Even take the laws of physics which govern the universe and are the basis of all our reality. They say now that these are arbitrary and there could well be other universes defined by other laws but these are inaccessible to us because we are bound by our own laws. Maybe for a time I was being my own universe, trying to follow a set of rules that was different from the ones that are obvious to other people.
I do think rules define us to some extent: the ones we're aware of, the ones we're unaware of, the ones we're aware of but we choose not to see them as rules, and the rules that we see as rules for other people, but not for us. I like Gretchen Rubin's idea of Rules of Adulthood and am thinking of making my own list, based on the Lesson of the Day section of the five-minute journal. This LOTD is my own invention and comes after "how could today have been better". Lesson here has a loose definition. It's not necessarily something I learned, more like something I could have learned, or something I could have applied but didn't . I will make my list now, but feel I probably won't share it here. There are more views on the blog now and none of them are from Russia, but I still don't know if they are bots or not. I have to assume some of them are. But equally I have to proceed in the assumption that at least one viewer is a human.