Friday, 13 July 2018


Forty days in a row! Forty days of what is the question. Well, obviously I have written in this blog for forty days in a row, apart from when I was out of the country. The other thing I have done is meditated. I have done that every single day, including when I was away. Mostly early in the morning but not today. I found myself doing the morning writing at 5 o'clock and then fell back to bed for another two hours of deepish sleep. When I woke up I felt it "fuck it, I'm taking a day off". That is what I've done. I did end up - not quite meditating - but lying down with my legs up the walls, in the dark, to a timer because I have such terrible oedema and something Dr Google informs me is statis dermatitis. And I am just back from the gym so I did get a fair amount of exercise in. Apart from that I had a day off. 
I went investigating buying a small laptop, but I am still unsure if I am even interested in purchasing one. Still I would not say the excursion was a waste of time and it is important to go to bricks and mortar outlets rather than relying on internet research. Then I went to the post office and the supermarket but these errands are important too. I can't say the day was wasted. 
Was deeply depressed at having to call out to work on an errand yesterday. I almost bumped into my boss and would have except for a tip-off that she was due to arrive. I suspected she might be the person in Germany who is looking at the blog (had a bizarre idea that she was on holidays in Germany), but now I think it is somebody else and I am confident I can guess who they/you are. 
I have also made my decision about going away and I am not booking the hotel for the night in between. I procrastinated and the rooms within my budget are all gone. I feel fine about this, and have no regrets. I am aware though that this is a bad habit...delaying making a decision when I know that outside events will just make it for me eventually. That's hardly satisfaction-optimising. 
I do feel a little in the doldrums here, unsurprisingly given the actual drought that is going on. I have no excuses and there is a tonne of things I could be doing. I have agreed to mind my neighbour's dog for the weekend and feel unreasonably constrained by this. I felt I did not have a good excuse as I have nothing definite planned, but now I have more or less committed to staying put tomorrow and Sunday I am fully aware of multitudes of glorious possibilities and feel myself on the brink of great spontaneity that is now thwarted. There is no evidence that I would actually have done anything. There is also a naturally occurring contrast between me and the dog's owners, who are of course, going somewhere nice for the weekend. This contrast makes me feel irrationally uncomfortable, mostly because I fear being judged. That is another reason I did not book the hotel for the middle night; more than anything else I feared being asked where I was staying and that I would appear extravagant and/or clueless. It is easy to say one should not care what others think or their opinions, but at the same time reputation management is also a real thing. I suppose one trap I fall into is to overestimate the amount of activity I account for in other people's brains. a

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